So you know how some people have really cool stories about how they created their business or found their purpose? Yeah well, that’s not me. My purpose was found in my pain (which used to be the name of my old blog and podcast). It wasn’t until I grew exhausted of hearing the only three words that sound like nails on a chalkboard to me, that I decided to trust God and intentionally pursue my purpose.

The 3 words?

GET OVER IT.

Just typing those words makes my skin crawl.

After infidelity shook my new marriage like an unexpected hurricane that you didn’t know you were suppose to prepare for, I found myself stuck in an overwhelming, never ending cycle of depression, anxiety and toxic behavior, for years. I started falling behind in my dreams and goals, and no longer recognized myself. I don’t know what was worse…my attitude towards everyone and the way I would cut people with my words, the emotionally absent mother I had become to my children or the fact that I wanted to stay in the comfort of my dysfunction because uncertainty was too scary to face.

Whatever it was, I was a hot mess. And if that wasn’t enough, I was stressing myself out trying to “keep up” with society’s image of still being the perfect wife and mother while keeping up the appearance that everything was fine.

But I was secretly dying inside. No one but my husband and I knew what was going on and I was okay with putting on my “I’m fine” mask every time I stepped outside because I didn’t want to hear other people’s opinions, judgement, phony remarks or the “get over it’s.” I was trying to pull myself out of quicksand with no help (hubby tried to help on numerous occasions, but he was the last person I wanted help from. Besides how can the thing that hurt you, heal you?). I was trying to parent through my pain (I was a single parent as far as I was concerned) and maintain my own sanity the best way I knew how; doing everything myself, faking it until I made it and staying busy.

While I still held the “traditional titles” that keep most women busy, such as mom and wife, I was also:

• • A Student- I was a full-time student (a combination of online and classroom learning), pursuing my passion of entrepreneurship and opening a childcare facility. A dream that I thought had a died, right along with my marriage.
   
  • A Full time Nurse– I went from my long term nursing job to a direct care nurse for a special needs child, a nurse liaison for a healthcare company with 4 major hospitals as my key accounts and an admissions/marketing director at a VERY demanding Rehabilitation Center/ Assisted Living facility. (I also worked at my kid’s old daycare on my off days…don’t ask).
   
  • “That mom”– Yes… although laser focused on my dreams and emotionally absent in private, I was still “that mom” in public. I was the mom who no matter what was going on at my kid’s school, you always saw me. I was the PTA Treasurer (even after my daughters went off to private school), volunteered for ALL the field trips, spoke at the kindergarten orientation, served the teachers on teacher appreciation day, bought the Popsicles for field day and served hot dogs at the ice cream social.
   

This charade went on for almost 3 years.

So I did what everyone said to do…I practiced self care.

Not the real kind. Just the one the world teaches.

I looked out for me. I went after my dream of being a childcare owner, got more certifications and degrees and was determined to do what made me happy. (I laugh when I think about it now because it was never happiness that I was searching for. It was joy and peace).

But it wasn’t until I looked up in 2015, that I realized I was busy but unfulfilled. I had the credentials to get started, was watching kids from my home in the evening but still felt empty.

I was so focused on my “purpose” that I was running away from the one thing I didn’t want to, but needed to face; why my marriage experienced infidelity in the first place. The truth was I wasn’t busy at all. 

I was just prioritizing the mess over the message.